It's very awkward to be in a group where people a million times smaller than me complains that they are fat. All I can do is to look down in embarrassment. In humiliation. To have a person like me to actually be in that conversation is.....
sad.
It's painful. I usually just start looking out the window or look at my hands while I try not to kill everybody while tearing. The most BEAUTIFUL girl.......says that she's fat. And that is.....I'm speechless. I look at them straight in the eye. Searching for that part of the brain where they are actually fishing for compliments or really ranting out her pain.


Lord. 

I don't like you.

I don't. If we weren't best friends I would have hate your guts and swear upon God my fists will be on you face.

In fact, I do want to plant my knuckles deep in your perfect little face. I have a grudge against you made by my own selfish emotion. Jealousy. It seems that I cannot control that emotion. Exercise for instance. Do you know what makes me run 10 rounds non stop you. Because of my jealousy. And after I'm done, I get very frustrated because of how tired and get and start imagining how you would be all fit and happy. I hate it.

Stupid blogs. All I need is advice for me to stop thinking about my jealousy and think about friendship and all they say is "GET OUT AND GET SOME FRESH AIR." or "GO AND TALK TO YOUR FRIEND." or even "GO AND SPEAK TO YOUR SCHOOL COUNSELOR OR PARENT OR WHATEVER". The bullshit I get.

I love her..to death. Even the imagination of me just thinking about her leave for 3 days because of something important, sickens me. I love her. But at the same time, I strongly dislike her.

I don't like the things she does. Like how she seems to know EVERYTHING.

I just don't like you. I'm sorry. Gosh. My fists are waiting for you. At the same time, I need my fists to cuddle around you too.

Me emotions.

A safe recovery.

So....
It's one of those moments when a I-FEEL-SO-GOOD-I-NEED-TO-SHAKE-IT-OFF song comes around. And when I mean shake it off I meant by dancing like a pro. And I really feel so cool. I really feel like the world is non-existent and like I fantasize that I'm in Starking or some concert along side SHINee or something like that. Or even my senior. Yeah. I feel great. I feel that I AM the best as I am low in esteem juice.

THEN. THE ARMAGEDDON STARTS.
I was all dizzy and face blinded by my hair, i HEARD SOMETHING SNAPPED.

IT WAS MY HAIR BAND. From Kistchen. DO YOU KNOW I MUCH I LOOOOVED THAT HAIRBAND. Holey shit. My big assed feet stepped on it and I broke it.

Duct tape and UHU glue won't recover that poor chica. But it's better than nothing.

Somebody be a darling and send me a beautiful new hairband. *HERPDERP*

Never got a myspace before. Heard SHINee is on it.

Probably fake.

사랑해오 오빠 샤니이!!

:@@!

ETUDE HOUSE!!

OMMOMOMOMOM. I love them!!

So I got this eyebrow pencil. I thought it was eyeliner BLERGH. But it works perfectly fine on my eyes too. As of right now, I painted my eyes.

A step closer into becoming a pretty girl. So I can match up to the 'average' standards.

If my dad calls me ugly, then the whole world is a lie. So yeah.

I wish I could show you my eyes. *HERPDERP* I really do like them!! But my camera is confiscated by my mama.

BTW. I had the best mother's day. I loved the smile on her face when she woke up as I presented her breakfast on bed. The breakfast consisted on;

i) Two types of eggs.
  a) Poached egg
  b) Fried egg
ii) Tuna sandwich.
iii) Carrot topping
iv) Chocolate Ice Blend with a little(too much! >.<) cinnamon
v) Orange juice.

Even I was drooling *HERPDERP*. And she opened my gift. It was a candle/essence thing thing. It all cost me RM 13. Not bad.

Yeah. That is probably it. AND I LOVE RA.D. LOL. RANDOMMM.

Fly me to the moon. And let me swing among the stars. Let me see how spring looks like on Jupiter and Mars.

In other words, hold my hand. In other words, kiss me.

Mianhe.

I looked around me and found myself situated in the most awkward position ever. Out of all the people, I stand out. Why? I'm a big lump of boils and oils. And my best friend? She's a motherfucking popular hipster.
It doesn't work out.
Usually I'll be all jealous and angry at her. The mere fact that she complains indirectly that she isn't popular enough, let's say, Tumblr followers or friends. Well guess what, I'm alone. Al I've got is you and my family. People don't like me. Why again?
Because I am le Big Fat Girl.
People tell me that being fat is ok and they ENCOURAGE me to be fat.
I think you're being like that so you guys can be all thin and I'll be the only outcast. My emotions cannot be written or typed out. It's too irregular. I can't fit it all in to any type of letter.

Do you know how...stupid it is that I advice my friends to NEVER ever think about suicide. And all along, I've been thinking about it but I'm always afraid to try it. It is a very VERY silly thing. I promised myself never to commit suicide. I have policies. But being the normal human I am, hypocriticsm is always never near from my 'OUT' part of my brain. If you get what I mean.

I feel sorry. I feel very apologetic that to have a friend like me, it's so.... embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. It's humiliating YET....they bear with it. HOW? What is the point? I don't get it. I know it's obviously NOT out of friendship. I don't deserve one. I need suggestions. I want to get out of here. Geez.

When she goes online, when my Twitter timeline is filled with her glamorous DP that everybody loves so much, I think to myself.

"Maybe, it's time you back off. People like you don't deserve a friend like her. Won't you find it weird when A some nerd freak is friends with such a photogenic hipster like her? Think about it. There are more beautiful girls that deserves her friendship. So think about it thoroughly."

I wish. That there was somebody that could be....no. There isn't anybod. God made His first mistake. I'm the one. I do not deserve any kind of kindness. I just....

I sound very pathetic don't I? Great. Great. 

I heard that Simon and Martina are coming.

When famous people come to a place like Narnia, you bet a hundred percent that all their loyal fans would follow.
BUT NO.
NO
EXAMS HAVE TO BE ON THE NEXT WEEK.

* Chinese accent*
YOU TINK MY CHAINESE MADA WOULD LET ME GO TO EVENT LIKE DAT?!
NO.
YOU MADER FUCKER AH YOU.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY 

Here's the thing.

Nobody understands it. But you have to. You have to understand it.

K-Indie has recently been my top genre to listen to recently. It just feels nice listening to guitar strumming and not electronic, bass hard beats. NOT THAT I dislike them but, alternatives are nice to enjoy once in a while.

Though I think I would like to stick with K-Indie for a loooong time though. I don't know...maybe....forever? O.O

LOL ANYWAYS

I came across one of J Rabbit's video and the comment section.

The comment section.
The comment section.


Is questioned by people....people who H,GFVLR,TGS.
People who are unexplainable, to be in the safe side.

You see. Not.....every voice is perfect. No.....Uh.

Not every voice has to be the same. Yeah. Not every voice has to have powerful vocals or falsettos or whatever. Not every voice has to have a raspy tinge or a OPERA type of singing.

I don't mind even if it's autotuned. Hypocrite you say? I think not. Maybe(I don't know about this though) some of my previous posts has some hate for autotune or something but honestly it's just another reason to hate someone. LOL. How truthful of moi. But yeah.

If the music sounds good. I'll listen to it. And vice versa.

I'm not the type of person to judge a song from it's lyrics. I'm am very VERY poor at catching lyrics. I'm more of the BAM...TU TU.....BAM..... Well something like that lool!

Yeah. Anyways, this person says that she isn't very good at singing and everything and they started this big commotion. A very unnecessary commotion. It's like comparing Lenka and Adele. They both have diiiifferent voices. I feel that if an Indie group of any kind were to have a strong voice like let say....Jonghyun's......it's not a very good selection if you ask me. Because Jonghyun's voice is so STRONG, he might as well do ballads. And he's in SM The Ballad.

Have I ever told you how I go on about things. About things people don't give a shit.

JAJAJJA. Need to go and change my blog settings. I hate the way it looks right now. ANYEONG!

...

I'd realllllly like to learn how to make those pretty edits of pictures they have on Tumblr. They're really pretty. And I would be looking at it, aimlessly, prying out information to make such beauty.

I'm in a cross confusion whether it's my software that makes not very good pictures or that I mistaken the saturation tab instead of the level tab to make the pictures pretty.

I MEAN THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TEXTURES. Why you so beautiful Tumblr?

ForeverAsAlways

Never updating blogs. Too much things to do that is. I'm surprised that my last post was on February. WOWOW. Lol!
I actually want to ace my upcoming exams.....
AND SPEAKING OF EXAMS. Why is it always near the exam period, when I want to update something. WHY SCUMBAG Brain.

I've got nothing to say. But in actual fact, a million things want to come out but I guess........my brain is actually working. And by working, I mean not to let out any private information about moi.

Let me end this post with a couple phrases which I think looks like a poem, doesn't sound like a poem. And casually dropping hints of my troubles and life.

WHAT A SMART BITCH YOU ARE.

She's a loner.
She is loved.
The whole world walks past by her.
The whole world wants to be her.
Her best friend is a superstar.
An amazing, rebellious bitch.
Her best friend is a girl
Who follows her like a loyal dog.
If were to given a tail, tornadoes could erupt whenever it's recess time with her.
She thinks she has problems
She denies her problems
She overpowers her.
She lets her be overpowered.
She thinks the world is to herself
She agrees.
It's always about her
Not one single thing could be discussed without the word, 'I',
All she does is rant and talk about her
All she does is listen and ignore her heart sirens a heart failure
People love her.
People ignores her.
Somehow, these two are......best friends. 
Family. 
Sisters.
A good-looking princess befriending an ugly washed up dog.
The comparisons are THAT vast of a difference.


My heart poured it out. My fingers just obey. LOLLLL.
BTW, it's about TWO different individuals...
..............................

I've got a fanfiction in mind now.

WAY TO GO WITH KEEPING YOUR FEELINGS. Bloody smart you are. AHA!